Achcha kuch arse baad phir likhna shuru kiya. Beech mein logon ne poochha toh humne kaha shaadi toot gayi hai. Log dukhi muh manaate. Hum yeh keh paate ki ab akele zyaada samay milta hai, isliye busy rehte hain, isse pehle hi poochhane vaala dukhi ho jaata. Darasal pichhale 6 mahine mein kai dafa shaadi tooti. Aur bhi kai logon ke baare mein suna. Kuch din aur chalta yeh silsila toh hum maan lete ki shaadiyaan todna fashion mein hai. Achcha hum distract ho gaye.
Hindustani shaadiyon ke baare mein Hindi sahitya mein kaafi kuch likha ja chuka. English lifestyle channels dwaara kaafi kuch cover bhi kiya ja chuka hai. Big Fat Indian Wedding. Humaara aisi shaadiyon mein jaana kam hi hua hai. Apni shaadi todane mein maahir hone ke kaaran humaara maamooli shaadiyon mein jaana bhi kam hi hua hai. Khair. Yahan hum baat karenge Small Slim Indian Weddings ke baare mein.
Yaani saadhaaran, middle class north Indian shaadi. Maaf kijiyega, advertising ki duniya mein taaza mili jaankaari ke anusaar north India mein ab middle class bacha nahin. Sab upper middle class hai. North India Delhi border par lage Haryana ke Gurgaon shehar mein shuru hota hai, aur Gurgaon se jude Rajasthan border par khatam ho jaata hai.
Iske alaava north India mein jo bhi hai voh pre-historic, jikra karne laayak nahin hai. Lucknow, Bhopal, Jaipur, Raigarh, Jhansi, Orai, Bijnaur naamak yeh shehar asal mein hain hi nahin. Bas unka naam map se na udd jaaye is maare sab pretend karte hain ki yeh prajaati zinda hai.
Aap sochenge hum kitna ghoom rahe hain. Arrey, hum baat kar rahe hain inhi sheharon mein hone vaali shaadiyon ki. Toh misaal ke liye maan lijiye ki hum gaye hain Mathura ki ek aisi shaadi mein.
Vaah. Kya bhavya, aalishaan imaarat mein function hai. Door door tak bas roshni hi roshni. Aap khush hokar andar ghusate hain aur seedhe hall ki taraf badh jaate hain.
Hall mein pehla kadam aur aapka rumaal aapki naak par. Uff! Badboo!
Aap agal bagal dekhate hain. Sab jagah sundar sundar log, badhiya badhiya pakvaan. Aap naak par bade sambhaal kar rumaal rakhte hain ki jaise hi koi dekhe, aap rumaal se paseena pochhne ka bahaana kar sakein. AC hall mein paseene-paseene hona phir bhi tameezdaar hai. Badboo ke maare naak par rumaal rakhna badtameezi hai. Jab vadhu ka pita aapko ghar pe invite karne aata hai, voh darasal yeh kehne aaya hai. "Sir, shaadi mein garmi ka bahaana karke AC ki taraf ishaara kijiyega. Ismein aapki bhi izzat ki dekho AC hone ke baad bhi garmi lagti hai, kitne ameer log honge. Aur jab log baar baar AC ki taraf ishaara karenge, sab AC dekhenge. Ismein humaari bhi izzat. Badboo ka pata kisi ko nahin chalna chahiye. Ladke vaalon ka ghar naale ke bagal mein hai. Maine vahan khoob badboo hone ka naatak kiya tha. Isse dahej kam ho gaya."
Ladke vaalon ke yahan yeh jataane se voh kitane gande dhang se rehte hain, dahej ka rate kam hota hai. Agar makhkhi, machhar kaatane lagein toh rate 10% kam hota hai, badboo se 20%. Aur drawing room mein baithe baithe suyar andar aa jaayein toh 50% tak kam hota hai. Iske alaava ghar ki auratein ya bachche yeh jataayen ki yeh toh har din ki baat hai, jaise bachche usse khelna shuru kar den, toh 70% tak discount mil sakta hai dahej par.
Tabhi aapko koi ishaara karta hai kameene carpet ki taraf. Aaye haay. Voh Lal-Hara carpet jiske oopar pehli baar dulhan ne kadam rakha tha san 1900 mein. Uske baad uski dhulaai nahin hui, albatta uss par chalke kai ladkiyon ne shaadi ki aur zindagi bhar ghar bharke kapde dhone ki kasamein khaayin.
Khair, aap bahar nikal jaate hain. Shaadi byaah ke maamle mein kuch bhi gadbad ho toh door hi rehna chahiye. Shaadi mein hum jaise log, matlab niththalle, bhookhe, bahar vaalon ka itna hi role hota hai. Aayo. Kursi khaali hon toh baith jaayo. Jagah na mile toh khade raho. Jab khaana mile kha lo. Koi muskura kar dekhe toh muskuraao. Koi naachne ko bole toh naachne lag jaao. Ladki ka baap haath jod ka muskuraaye, toh nikal jaayo. Aur kahin kuch gadbad lage toh door hatt jaayo.
Baahar door counter dikha Cocktails ka. Vaah Vaah! Shukla ji khoob paisa kamaayen hain. Byaah mein Cocktails. Vaah vaah. Upper middle class shaadi hai. Achcha hai. Pata nahin Shukla ji ka paisa mehnat ka hai ya ghoos ka. Mehnat ka hai toh zaroor piyenge sharaab, jaanane vaale ki mehnat ki kamaai hai. Ghoos ka hai toh bhi theek hai. Ghoos ka paisa sharaab mein peekar uda denge. Kisi ke kaam na aayega.
Yehi soch kar hum matakate hue pahunchate hain Cocktails ke counter par. Kuch kaaran se counter khaali pada hai. Sirf 2-4 log agal bagal mein glass liye khade hain. Hum counter par ek JD maangte hain. Attendant pados vaali halwaai ki dukaan ka ladka hai. Humne kaha tum yahan kaise. Voh kehta hai shaam ko khaana nibta ke nikale ki Shukla ji ne yahan khada kar diya. Bole, chupchaap se khade rehna. Koi angrezi mein kuch bole toh no sir, nothing left bolna. Yeh counter nakli hai.
Tab maajra humein samajh aaya. Asal mein kai shaadiyon mein aise nakli, fancy counter hote hain. Fresh juices, candies, exotic ice creams. Yahan aisa kuch bhi nahin milta hai. Bas shaadi ka contractor kahin se yeh signboard juta leta hai aur table par safed kapda daal kar kisi ko bhi khada kar deta hai. Agar aap baraat ke aane se pehle yahan jaayenge toh aap ladki vaale hain. Sharaab ladke vaalon ke aane ke baad milni start hogi. Agar aap baraat ke aane ke baad jaayenge toh bhaiyya saari sharaab toh kabki khatam ho gayi. Aise counters sirf shaadi mein chaar chaand lagaane ke kaam aate hain. Ab chaand bhi kisi ko naseeb hua hai aajtak. Aur jo agal bagal ladke tehal rahe hain voh ladki ke chhote cousins aur mohalle ke maskhare hain. Jinhein ladki ke baap ne vahan colddrink ka glass pakda kar khada kar diya hai. Jisse lage ki uss counter par bhi kaam zor shor se chal raha hai. Ek aadh ladke ko toh sharaab ke nashe mein hone ke bhi paise milate hain.
Tabhi baraat aa jaati hai. Yeh scene hamesha mujhe baarish ke mausam mein makhkhiyon ki yaad dilaata hai. Baarish mein makhkhiyaan alag-alag ghar mein aish kar rahi hoti ki jaise hi pakode bane, bas sab ekjut hokar ek taraf bhaagin. Shaadi mein baraat aane par bhi sab gate ki taraf bhaagte hain. Bhaiyaa 10 fut ka faatak hai. Aa jaayenge ladke vaale andar. Lekin ladki vaale toh bhaag kar jaayenge, darwaaza block karenge toh baraati bechaare, pata nahin kitni door se beman naachte naachte aa rahe hain, sadak ke sadak par reh jaate hain. Arrey bhai, sadak par hi shaadi karni thi toh itna intezaam kyun karaaya.
Khair. Gate par khade hokar saare baraati naachenge ladki ki behan ke saath. Ladki ki behan ka aise mein bada bura haal hota hai. Jaise hi baraat aati hai, uski saari dost gaayab. Kuch apne aap chhup jaati hain, kuch ki mummyiaan ishaara kar deti hain. Ab bachi ladki ki behan. Aaye haay, 10-12 haathi jaise sharaabiyon ke beech mein akeli. Ladki ki behan haar nahin maanti. Jitne step usne naye 'You're my Soniya' par seekhe the, sab 'Tenu ghodi kinnne chhadhaaya bhootni ke' par nikaal deti hai. Ladke bhi uski dekha dekhi step copy karne lagte hain. Aisi impromptu choreography aur donon pakshon ke beech aisa taalmel dekh kar ladki ke pita aur ladke ka pita ek doosare ko dekhte hain. Vaah. Kya badhiya jamegi humaari. Vaah. Kya Ram milai jodi hai. Udhar ladki ki behan akele 12 habkaane laundon ko sambhaale behosh ho jaati hai.
Ab bas. Jaise hi pehla kadam ladke ne complex mein rakha, aapke kadam badhe food counter par. Bheed umad padi hai sahab. Counter tak pahunchana mushkil hai. Aise mein agar aap ladki vaale hain toh caterer agal bagal ka koi halwaai hi hoga. Aapki jaan pehchaan ka. Agar aap ladke vaale hain toh aapko counter ke peechhe jaane ki suvidha hai. Aapko vahan jaakar sirf yeh bolna hai, "Bhaiyya, jaldi doodh de do. Dulhe ko kamzori ho gayi hai."
Aksar yeh bhi kaafi ajeeb ho jaata hai. Paanch minute mein counter ke peechhe 5 log dulhe ke liye 5 alag cheez maangte hain. "Bhaiyya, dulhe ko mirch lagi, colddrink do." "Bhaiyya, ladke ko chutney feeki lag rahi hai, mirch de do." "Bhaiyya, dulhe ke Papa ki sugar kam ho gayi hai, thodi rasmalai de do." "Bhaiyya, ladke ke Papa ki sugar badh gayi hai, thoda Pav Bhaaji dena." Aise mein aap counter ke peechhe gareeb aadmi se kuch bhi bolenge voh de dega. Shaq karne ki gareeb aadmi ki haisiyat kahan. Aap yeh kehkar ki ladke ki bhabhi khatam ho gayin hain, counter vaale ki joru bhi paar kar sakte hain.
Bas aise hi dhakkamukki mein aap shaadi nibataate hain. Arrey kaun badi baat. Ladki ka pita, ladke ka pita, pundit, yahan tak ki ladka ladki bhi shaadi hi nibta rahe hain. Aap khaana khaate hain, lifaafa oopar pahunchaate hain aur mauka mila toh Pappu photographer se stage par fotu bhi khinchvaate hain. Pichhali kai shaadiyaan humne aise hi kaatin.
Mujhe galat mat samajhiye. Mujhe show-shaa baaji se koi dikkat nahin. Aapka paisa, jaise chahen udaayen. Aaj aur kal mein fansi aise shaadiyon foohadpan ki misaal hain. Jitni jaldi yeh foohadpan khatam hoga, utni jaldi phirse saalon saal chalne vaali shaadiyaan dobaara hone lagengi.